The Bible has a lot to say about how we respond when we’re upset. James 1:19–20 gives us some simple but powerful guidance: be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. God’s Word reminds us that our anger doesn’t always produce the kind of life God wants for us. So how can we help our children put this into practice?
1. Teach Them That Anger Isn’t a Bad Emotion
The first step is helping children understand that feeling angry doesn’t make them bad. Anger is an emotion, and emotions are part of how God made us. Even Jesus showed anger when He saw people dishonoring God’s house.
What matters is what we do with that anger. A child can feel angry without hitting, yelling, saying hurtful things, or making a poor choice. Teach them that they can acknowledge their feelings while still choosing a godly response.
2. Teach Them to Be Slow to Speak
James 1:19 tells us to be “slow to speak.” That’s especially important when we’re angry. When emotions are running high, it’s easy for children to say things they don’t really mean—or things they will regret later.
Teach your child to pause before responding. They can take a breath, count to ten, or simply say, “I’m angry and I need a minute.” That small pause can create enough space to choose words that build up instead of tear down.
3. Help Them Listen Before Reacting
James begins with “quick to listen.” That’s easy to overlook when we’re talking about anger, but listening can completely change how we respond. Sometimes children become angry because they misunderstand what happened or assume someone meant to hurt them.
Encourage your child to hear the other person’s side before deciding how to respond. Ask questions like, “What happened?” or “Did you hear what they were trying to say?” Learning to listen doesn’t mean ignoring wrong behavior. It means slowing down long enough to understand the situation before reacting.
4. Give Them Healthy Ways to Cool Down
Children need practical tools for managing big emotions. Telling an angry child to “calm down” usually isn’t enough—they need to know how.
Help your child discover what works for them. They might take some deep breaths, pray, walk away for a few minutes, get some water, or sit somewhere quiet. You can even practice these things together when everyone is calm so they’re easier to remember when anger hits.
5. Teach Them to Take Their Anger to God
God doesn’t ask us to handle difficult emotions by ourselves. Teach your children that they can talk to God when they’re angry, frustrated, or hurt.
A simple prayer might be, “God, I’m really angry right now. Please help me calm down and respond in a way that honors You.”
It may seem simple, but you’re teaching your child something they’ll carry into adulthood: God is someone we can turn to in the middle of our emotions, not just after we’ve gotten them under control.
6. Use Scripture to Teach Them What to Do
Children remember what they hear repeatedly, especially when Scripture is connected to something they experience every day. James 1:19–20 is a great passage to memorize as a family because it gives children a practical pattern: listen, pause, then respond.
Songs can make Scripture easier for children to remember and bring to mind when they actually need it. When your child starts getting upset, you can gently remind them, “Remember what James says—quick to listen and slow to speak.”
7. Model Healthy Anger Yourself
Our children learn a lot about handling anger by watching us. If they regularly see us yell, snap, or say hurtful things when we’re frustrated, they’ll naturally learn that this is how people respond to anger.
That doesn’t mean parents have to handle every situation perfectly. In fact, there’s an opportunity for something powerful when we get it wrong. Apologize when you’ve lost your temper. Let your children hear you pray for patience. Show them that being angry doesn’t give us permission to hurt others and that we can always choose to make things right.
8. Teach Them That Anger Doesn’t Give Us Permission to Sin
There is a difference between feeling anger and using anger as an excuse for sinful behavior. A child may have a very real reason to be upset, but that doesn’t make hitting, bullying, lying, or cruel words acceptable.
Help them understand that they can be honest about what they’re feeling while still choosing self-control. They can say, “That really hurt my feelings,” instead of hurting someone else. They can say, “I’m frustrated,” instead of throwing something. Learning this distinction is an important part of growing in maturity and faith.
9. Help Them Make Things Right
Sometimes anger leads us to say or do something we shouldn’t. When that happens, teach your child that the story doesn’t have to end there. We can apologize, ask forgiveness, and make things right.
Don’t focus only on punishing the behavior. Use the moment as a teaching opportunity. Ask, “What happened? What could you do differently next time? Is there someone you need to apologize to?” Children need to learn that following God includes taking responsibility for our actions.
10. Remind Them That Self-Control is a Fruit of the Spirit
Self-control doesn’t always come naturally, especially when we’re angry. But God is growing something in us through His Spirit. Galatians 5:22–23 lists self-control as a fruit of the Spirit.
Remind your children that they don’t have to figure this out alone. As they pray, practice, listen to God’s Word, and learn from their mistakes, they can grow in self-control. Handling anger in a godly way is a skill that develops over time—and every difficult moment can become another opportunity to grow.
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Our goal isn’t to raise children who never get angry. We’re raising children who know what to do when they get angry.
James 1:19–20 gives us a simple pattern to teach them:
“Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”
When we help our children pause, pray, listen, and choose their response, we’re giving them tools that will serve them far beyond childhood.
